User blog comment:Umrag the Destroyer/The Destiny of the Warrior/@comment-988934-20090912075146

My take on this:

First off, its refreshing to to see a different POV in Redwall fanfictions, it leads to some interesting views and potential-wise, there are endless possibilities.

What I like: You have the battle scenes down pat, they are full of action and quite graphic with descriptions to back them up (personal favorite tool in writing =D). Also, the bit of fantasy that you added into chapter two also rings a nice tone with me. Giant spiders in Mossflower? Sweeeeet.

Criticisms: Two major things, your spelling and your grammar needs work.

Instead of doing separate sentences like in the Prologue,

"A blizzard howled around the woods. In a small clearing there was a camp with about thirty tents. Firetan, the chief of the clan, looked at the little rat babe sleeping in his crib. His parents fearfully watched as the red stoat looked at the babe.

try to combine them into compound sentences and add some more descriptions for example,

"A blustering blizzard howled its keen song between the trees of the woods; within them, was a camp clearing that contained thirty tents inhabited by the clan of Firetan, a stoat chieftain aptly named for his red fur. The stoat was standing over the crib of a ratbabe, consulting with his foxseer, whilst the babe's parents stood fearfully on the side, wondering what their chief's decision would be.

Also, don't forget the comma's, parenthesis which are ( ), not { }, and semicolons.

Spelling is also another problem, while spelling the pronunciations is a good way to learn, its usually not the correct way. For example, "admiriring" is spelled admiring", "troboulsome" is troublesome. If you think you spelled a word wrong, just go to Microsoft Word and type it in, it will automatically spellcheck for you.

While it is a good story and contains quality elements, it just goes too fast for me, it skips from the prologue to a fight scene to eating to a fight scene to relaxing. I like a story with a little more descriptive words to each scene, some history or background about the characters, like, who is Usim? How did he and Umag meet? Also, clan wars, like the part where Firetan sends a group of archers against a rival clan, a little more detail about the fight would make it more enjoyable and exciting. Make it possible too, 24 vs 100? Even with guerrilla tactics, they still outnumber them 4 to 1.

Overall, good idea, but it needs work.

PS, in the prologue you replaced Firetan with Darktan once.